Dec 11
shamielle asks:
How do I get black eyeliner stains out of my clothes?

Napalm. Until then, wipe your face on MY shirt.
Luv, Viv

Nov 29
craZy traiN:
So, if you have a really nice ass and a really great pair of jeans, do you think the ass enjoys the jeans more or the jeans enjoys the ass more???

I think the ass enjoys the jeans more. I think YOUR ass would look good in anything...leather, armor, silk, rose petals, chocolate syrup, suede... Luv, Viv

Nov 23
stacy writes:
Hey, Viv,
My roomate is getting sick of hearing me play 'Runnin with the Devil'.  Have any advice on what I should learn next?

Learn the rest of the album. Play it LOUD. Tell your roomate to deal with it. Diamond Dave rules, I don't care what anyone says. When you're done with VH1, move on to VH2. Good luck.

Nov 20
delitefullycrazy writes:
I met this guy a few weeks ago.  I don't know much about him, but I think he's pretty hot.  I'm very shy, so I gave him my # with a work-related reason to call.  He didn't.  Does that mean he's not interested, or is he thinking that all I'm interested in is the job?  How do I let him know I'm interested in him without making myself look like an idiot?  I see this guy occasionally, and don't want to be too embarrassed to face him again... 

Nov 18
Emma writes:
When you do excersizes for your butt & thighs (like lunges and squats) would it build up muscle and therefore kind of, ''plump'' your butt up or would it build up muscle that wasn't visual? Cause the last thing I need is to ''plump'' up my butt. LOL.
Cheers <3

Nov 18
Kimm writes:
Dear Viv.  We eat eggs (I mean chicken eggs). Had we not eaten them, would they have given rise to live chicks? Or are they some sort of non reproductive egg?

An egg comes out of a chicken. A chicken comes out of an egg. Listen to "Egg" by Mr. Bungle.    Luv, Viv

Nov 13
SHEENA writes:
HELLO VIV,  I AM A 29 YEAR OLD FLORIDA NATIVE WHO RECENTLY VISITED NH FOR VACATION AND MET PEOPLE AT A BAR WHO KNEW YOU. I SAW YOU LAST MONTH AT A GIG AND LOVED IT!! SMALL WORLD!! PLEASE WRITE BACK. ID LOVE TO TALK METAL. THANKS, AND HOPE TO SPEAK SOON...SHEENA

Hey Sheena...if you met people at a bar in NH who knew me, it must have been the Wild Rover in manchester, that's my old watering hole. Come see us at Sports Rock o the 18th and 19th so we can talk metal!!! See you there and bring your friends.

Aug 29
a pathetically devoted fan asks:
When are you going to post some new questions, you slacker?

I will post more answers to questions when the guy who does our site puts them up in a more timely fashion...i.e. when I get a question, it is answered right away by me personally. They are then forwarded to the webmaster. If he takes three weeks to get them up, don't give me crap! Let me give HIM crap! And while we're on the subject, my life is made much more interesting by your weird questions, people.....and lately, there have been hardly any. There is plenty of Viv Vivian to go around. And ladies, let's get smoe dirty flirty talk going on this page before I go f#@& myself.  Love, Viv

<webmaster> OOooops

Aug 25
concerned spectator asks:
Dear Viv,
I've noticed that alcohol seems to diminish judgement in people who's inhibititions surface and cause them to step out of their relationship-like demenor and lock themselves in lip service with unlikely close co-workers. (Despite the concience bearing friends nearby to guilt them back to reality) how do you tell
him to not go there?

You can't really do much about becoming an idiot after too much booze. It just happens. No matter what, alcohol tests the limits of your patience with people who do stupid things that maybe they wouldn't have done if sober. As long as I know in my soul I can control my appetities drunk or sober, I'm good with what life has to throw at me. Bring it on, bitches! - Viv

Aug 23
dirty girl asks:
Hey Viv-
I have been out backpacking for 2 months.  I was really dirty and smelly for a long time.  I have not talked to one really good male friend for a really long time.He is kind of cute and plays in a band, maybe you know him.  Should I call him to say hello or wait for him to call me?
Signed,     Dirty girl

What do you mean, 'kind of cute'? He also plays in TWO bands... Ahhh, Dirty Girl, if only you lived down here in the humidity and palmettos, I would make you mine...and, yes, fucking call me!
Love and kama sutra, Viv

Aug 10
Yummy cake asks:
Viv,
The only reason I go to weddings is for the cake. Seriously. I will never be married but I will have one damn tasty cake.  Thanks.

Especially cakes that have a bikini clad surprise and jump out of the top.  Love Viv

Aug 10
Teen Model asks:
I used to model. As a child and young teen, and I have great hair and face but my body has gone to shit. Now, I mean I'm 5'8 and around 140lbs (I stopped checking a while ago). I used to be perfect, never would of changed a thing. What happened? And why?

What happened? Gravity....   Love Viv

Aug 10
k9coughee asks:
Heya Viv
I just used my pen as a coffee stir stick cause I am too lazy to get up to get a spoon. Now there is coffee inside the pen so I tried sucking it out but I guess I have to throw it out or just let it sit there and start to smell.  So, should I get a dog?

Let this be a lesson to every one else who wants to send me a question that makes zero sense. The more time I spend answering these, the less time I'm getting laid. - Viv

Aug 10
letter-head asks:
Viv,
I am a writer who works at home. On any given workday, one screen is open to my work, another to any of a number of sites to look at naked girls. Ocasionally I'll get into a chat with a stranger for a couple of hours - all while flipping back and forth to my work. By the end of the day I'll have gotten my work done and had about 4 orgasms. I wonder what kind of writer I'd be if porn was in paper magazines like the good old days, and my computer was just for writing instead of a combo of porn heaven and workplace. I also wonder how anyone gets any work done at any office that has access to the net and photos and videos of naked girls.  Any idea?

Yeah, one idea... quit slappin' the salami and get some work done! - Viv

Aug 10
jealousJim asks:
Girls have it so much better than blokes do. They get to be beautiful and sexy. They get to scream 'discrimination' when things don't go their way. They can get men to do whatever they want by promising sex - they don't even have to deliver. The promise is enough. Well it is for me. I'll do nearly anything that a beautiful woman asks me. I wish I had that power. Should I get a sex change?

As far as Viv is concerned, men and women have it equally tough. This whole attraction/lust thing is just a game to be played. We both are under the same microscope and we are all in the same petri dish. Don't get a sex change... I mean, Big Viv my favorite body part. Why in hell would you lose that? - Viv

Aug 8
Panda asks:
I recently recieved a goldfish from a friend. It's orange mostly, with clear fins, some black patches, and a blue stripe next to the fin. I THINK it's girl but i'm not sure lol. What should i name it?

Name it something short... goldfish have an attention span of about a half second. Goldfish forget they're whole lives every few seconds... good eating, though. Also, I recommend a name that would apply to boy or girl...Alice, or maybe Viv.  - Love, Viv

Aug 8
34 DD asks:
Dear Viv
I'm a 34 DD, 5'4 and size 1 in pants. I'm petite but ...
If i diet (healthy) and start to lose weight, will i begin to lose weight in my boobs? They're not "fat girl" boobs, it's genetics. I really wish i was just smaller .. so i figured losing weight could be a good idea. Do you think it would work?

From my extensive experience with the female breast, I can tell ya that boobs are the last thing to show the weight loss. Us guys need at least a handfull... and I have VERY large hands. - Love, Viv

Aug 7
Glenn asks:
Yo Viv,
 I think the guitar work on "Kill 'em All", you know, Hammett's leads, is the most excting thing for metal in the "80's.  My girl thinks that "Blood Sugar Sex magic"  is the guitar climax of that decade.  Should I marry her, dump her or are we both wrong? Are we both right?  Please help.

Kirk Hammet's lead work on Kill Em All was awesome, and will be timeless. Blood Sugar Sex Magic was an awesome album, one of the 1990's top five. But it is not the end all-be all of 90s guitar albums. I say marry her because she has good taste in music. if you dump her, give her my number.

Aug 5
Lostinselfconfidence asks:
So Viv,
what do you do when you are a successful business woman, have a ton of friends, awesome children and have a husband who tells you that he loves you but flirts like he's not even married.  My fear is not that he is going to cheat, but that if he does, I am going to look like the idiot because all my girlfriends tell me its coming. I love him to death, I tell him his actions hurt my feelings and his response is "what do you want me to do".  Well, if I have to tell him, than I guess its not that important to him. 
Tell me what would you do?

Take him out on a scenic cruise and don't forget the cement cowboy boots. - Viv

July 27
Glenn asks:
Viv,
What do you think is more important, having a great individual performance or working together as a unit?  Of course this applies to music, lovins' and government...

Applied to music, being a great part of a functioning unit is most important. Knowing you can hold your own will inspire you to play your ass off to make the unit better. Applied to lovins, how can you have a great individual performance? Two to tango. (Or three, four, etc...) Applied to the government, I have no idea what the bloody hell you're talkin' about. - Viv

July 20
Jeff asks:
Hey Viv whats up  Who is the best drummer? Neil Pert Bonnam, Nico McBrain, Bobby Blotzer?

Hey Bowzer... I would say that all around it's a toss up between Bonham and Nico mcbrain as far as solid rock drummers. Neil is unquestionably the best technical drummer out there still, but is not what I would call solid rock. Scalawag rules! Wait, who am I kidding... Jeff Bauman is the best! For those of you who don't know Jeff, he and I were in Marty Keystone for over ten years together and we rocked properly... reunion tour? - Viv

July 17
Too Cute asks:
What's up with musicians?  I was out parying with a bunch of girlfriends last night listeng to this really kick-ass band.  I was up dancing and everything.  Well, I was trying to get the attention of one of the guitarist (guitar, bass, whatever) dancing in front of him, moving all my best stuff, really working it.   But it was like he was afraid to make eye contact or something.
Granted, I'm a little older than he is, but hell, I still got it going on.
So, what's wrong with you guys?

There is nothing wrong with us musicians...the members of this band like nothing better than everybody on the dance floor shaking what they have. If you are who I think you are, your beard was three different colors and had salsa in it and that really turns me off. - Viv

July 16
Johann (The Ringmaster) asks:
Hey Viv, I need some help in the fasion department. Top-hat, or Derby/bowler? It's life or death.

Beret. Hunter's hat with the earflaps. A 40 gallon cowboy hat.  With a top hat, you will look too much like Slash. With a derby/bowler, you'll look too much like a British businessman. - Viv

July 14
Dear Viv
I'm a 36 year old single woman with one grown child and one at home. I have meet a single man who is 26 years old, who pursued me until I went out with him. We continued to meet everyday for a week somewhere. I really enjoy his company and we have had good times, then I slept with him. I hardly ever see him places now, he just shows up at my house after he has been out, just for the sex. He says he has an old girlfriend he may get back with but he doesn't know. Do I wait and continue to let him do his night visits or tell him to look me up after he figures out what he wants?

Dump his sorry ass. All he wants from you is the sex. Once you give that up whenever he "shows up" after he's been out, he'll walk all over you and every time he walks all over you, his shoes get dirtier. - Viv

July 12
gnr fan asks:
Hey Viv, I've been playing guitar for a couple of years now (I am 14) and now I'm trying to learn to read music, but it's like taking a step backwards and it's boring. I can read some but it's like going back to the begining and I feel that I suck again. I dont know if I should just give up on guitar or what.

Don't give up. Reading music definetly helps you retain a more technical knowledge of music. It helps with learning structure, and provides a discipline that will help in the long run. When you start playing, the discipline is HARD to come by within yourself. I've been playing bass and guitar for over eighteen years only from first finding the motivation in myself to practice, practice and practice some more. Riffs and licks I learned in my first year I still play almost daily to keep my chops up. For me, having the streetsmarts in guitar is a lot more important than reading music. I don't read music, someday I'll learn. I find it is much more valuble to learn from other players... meaning, jam with people as much as possible. Have other players show you stuff, and play it over and over until it feels cool. And, ten years down the road, that little thing someone showed you on guitar will blow someone's mind. By the way, Jimi Hendrix never read music either. - Viv

July 11
cornfused asks:
deAR VIv
This is the only way i can make this short .. me and my boyfriend have been dating for over 2 months now and our relationship was going well. Like not even a week ago i started to hang out with these guys that he doesn't like or trust .. i told him that i was hanging with them and he got really pissed and we started arguing. In our relationship i am completely honest with him because i don't want to hide something from him and have him find out later from someone else and him get madder than he would've if i had told him in the first place. Well i am starting to have these feelings for a guy i've been hanging out with and i told my boyfriend. He totally flipped out because now he thinks that i like this guy more than i like him - which is NOT true at all. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and i always will no matter what happens between us. I'm just wondering if i should tell my boyfriend that we need to take a break from our relationship s i can figure out if the feelings for the other guy are deep or if i should just forget about the other guy or what?! PLEASE HELP! =(

This is not a big problem. First, graduate high school!! Second, slow things down but don't break it off. If your boyfriend is a man and loves you proper, he will give you the time to get your feelings straight. But, dating confused women is a complete nightmare (and I'm speaking from experience) so try not to drag your boyfriend in to your head. The sooner you get it straight, the better. Good luck. -Viv

July 11
In need of help asks:
I am 27 years old and right now, I am single. I have 6 kids and I need advice. I am still in love with my kids father, but I'm also falling in love with a guy I just met. My kids' father had put me though hell for the 5 years we were together. When I say put me though hell he: hit me, lied to me, cheated on me from day one of our relationship, and then he was running back and forth between me and the girl and worst yet he has a child with her the same age as our youngest child. I got rid of him and left but then I ran into him a few days ago and it's sort of feels like I never left. He says he's changed and has learned to control his anger and part of me wants to believe him, but the other part.....
The other part is with the other guy. I met him over the internet and we hit it off great. We totally trust each other and I can tell him anything. He likes my kids and let's face facts: it's hard to find a man that will accept 6 kids. We really don' have alot in common but then we respect each other's mind. He's more like a fairy tale that has came true.
But my kids want their father and they want me with him. The other guy is in the army right now. My kids father is here. I don't know what to do 'cause I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to make the wrong choice either. My family doesn't want me to be with my kids father but they also don't want me to be with anyone else either. I don't want them hating me, but Viv, I'm lonely and they are married. They'd rather me marry a guy they like but I don't like at all. Please help me 'cause sometimes I just think I'll be better off gone.
Thank you, In need of help

You should most DEFINETLY dump your scumbag ex- husband and concentrate on the new guy. He sounds like a better package. In your case, with 6 kids etc. you need a better deal than what you once had. Forget the past, it distracts from the now.   Love, Viv

July 11
Feeling Suddenly Untouchable asks:
Here's a problem that I never thought I'd run into: asexual guys. Not gay. Not shy. Not too gentlemanly. Plain old asexual! Two in a row. I don't think I'm undesirable, fairly attractive (or so I thought until recently). I've never dated any guy who eventually didn't want sex fairly quickly. I'd hate to develop a complex, but I might it this keeps up. I'm 28, no kids (I'm a ChildFree professional) and have never been married.
The first guy was in the Navy, an officer. He had a condo, nice enough car, a husky dog he adored, a college degree and a future-in short, his success mirrored mine, a fellow professional. The only possible red flag was that he had never been married. I asked him out after meeting him at a dinner at a mutual friend's house. We went on six or seven dates, he was perfectly gentlemanly. But he never tried to initiate contact. The bomb fell, as it were, one night when he dropped me off. I ask him inside. He good-nauredly declined, saying he had to rise early the next day. Fair enough. I touched his arm. Then he pulls back and begins to explain he "doesn't do that sort of thing." I was thunderstruck. I know I should have questioned further.
The second guy was a lawyer with a bank. He seemed to have it together as well-had a house, brothers and sisters and parents he was close to, friends he told stories about. In fact, he loved to talk. When I finally got him back to his place one night after four dates, it was more talk. He seemed to be having a wonderful time just talking to me, and he was admittedly a sparkling personality. But, particularly after a certain point, I can talk to my friends. So.long story short, I wanted more. So I leaned in close to kiss him.and he almost fell off the sofa as he reeled back in shock. Then he acted surprised that I was interested in intimate contact-as if I was the one who was behaving strangely. Then he went into the kitchen and started to clean up, all the while chatting like nohing happened and keeping his distance. Feeling like a leper, I slunk out and broke it off by phone the next day.
In both cases, the guys were genuinely mystified as to why I no longer wanted to see them. And I'm made to feel bad that it's because *I* wanted sex, as if nice women don't want sex. The second guy offhandedly admitted to being "asexual"-but in the same breath asked me out again.
The problem is that I wasted a couple of months on these guys. What could cause this? I realize that not all men fill the unfortunate "men think about one thing" stereotype, but, wow, not wanting sex.at all? This can't be common. Neither was overtly religious. Neither set off my gay-dar. Should I just write-off guys who have not been married or at least engaged in the past? That's the only thing about these guys that stood out in my mind. That, and I asked them out instead of the usual routine of waiting. Tell you what, that's the last time I take the initiative without some moves on their part!
I realize tha getting two of these in a row is probably just bad luck, but just to be sure, I'll also ask this: what are some ways to figure out that a guy might be asexual BEFORE one invests such time and emotion with one. You go on three dates and you're overjoyed because he's not all over you and rushing things. Then you go ten more dates, kill a few months, make a complete fool of yourself trying to initiate something out of frustration, and only then you find out he's asexual. How can this be avoided? I realized these guys don't walk around with "asexual" stamped on their foreheads, but how can I shorten the time wasted in the future should I run into another one of these?

Easy solution here... start dating musicians. We LOVE intimate contact. - Viv

July 9
naughteous_maximus asks:
Viv,
I have this problem...I am right-handed, and yet I can only bring myself to issue with my left hand, not my right. Does this mean I'm going to hell, and if so, can I borrow your car keys when I get there? (got a date with the Devil baby yeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!)

Everybody should learn a lesson here... you need to learn to pleasure yourself with both hands, then pleasure your partner with both hands. That is the key to heaven. As far as hell, I have no key, just the secret password. - Viv

July 9
BabyFreeandSad asks:
Imagine finding out just after you turn 18 that you have Menopause, that aside from all the health implications (can be taken care of with medication) that you will never be able to have children, the only thing you ever cared about.
Yes, you can extol the virtues of adoption to me, and I KNOW it is a good thing to do. But I'm selfish, I want a child that has half of MY DNA and that I carried in MY womb for 9 months.
It's been almost two years and I confess, I don't know if I will ever come to grips with this (and yes, I have tried therapy).
What should I do?

I suggest adoption. I myself am adopted. My biological parents loved me enough to give me up, and my adoptive parents loved me enough to raise me right in a good home. If you HAVE to have kids, this is the route you should go. My philosophy has always been, "The best thing about kids is making them."    Love, Viv

July 9
Girlhappygirl asks:
Dear Viv, yesterday was my day off.
I planned to do laundry and get an oil change. Instead, I went to the gym with my boyfriend before he left for work, came home and showered, and spent the next 6 or 7 hours alternately masturbating (sometimes with online porn, sometimes not) and napping.
What a fantastic day.  Just had to share.

Didn't I used to date you? - Viv

July 9
Odd Numbers asks:
Dear Viv
I am weird. I really hate odd numbers. I can't even have the TV or radio volume on a odd number; it just irritates me. I've tried to convince myself out of it but that just makes me stranger. Here are a few examples:
A. I'm somewhat OK with 5 because its halfway between 1-10.
B. I'm still trying to convince myself to like 3 by telling myself it stands for the Holy Trinity which is, you know, the greatest good.
C. Similarly, I am trying to convince myself 7 is good because it's a Divine number.
D. 9 is just kind of screwed... so is 1 because I can't help thinking of that 'One is the loneliest number..' song every time I see it.
How can I live my life this way?

The only way to live your life this way is SLOWLY. After all, they're just numbers. - Viv

July 9
Ugly Quack Quack asks:
I am female and I am really not that attractive.
I am overweight, not facially pretty, and I have no breasts. I also can't really afford nice clothes and I don't like to show off my body.
But I confess that I enjoy being this way, because I know that most guys who would date me actually care about me as a person and not as simply a sex object.
But what I really wanted to know is...   Oh who am I kidding.  Like you're really gonna answer this.

Okay people, listen up....I cannot HELP you unless you ASK ME A QUESTION!!!!!! So, Ugly Quack-Quack, when you think of what you want to ask, ask it! I miss out on valuble sex time by reading your questions. So, every time I get a post like this that I have to answer, that is one half hour less of booty that I get a day. - Viv

July 6
Dear Viv
Would stealing my 6-year-old's allowance money to buy beer make me the world's worst father?  What if I share it with him?

Well, it's better than your six year old stealing YOUR money to buy beer. What you did just makes you irresponsible and a slave to the hooch. Dry up,rummy. - Viv

July 6
Dear Viv
Imagine sitting at home some evening, minding your own business, reading a good book when all of a sudden Adolf Hitler sneaks up behind you and slams you on the head with a brick.
That'd be just like him too, the bastard!

I can imagine something better... before that piece of sh@# hits you on the head, incinerate him with a flamethrower. No more Hitler talk on Ask Viv, people! I strive only to promote peace. - Viv

June 28
Mackenzie asks:
Viv, I've got all these fruit flies. Ithink they've nested somewhere in my room! What can I do?!? How can I get rid of them?!?!?

Nuke the bastards. Or, a venus flytrap. Meanwhile, listen to Ac/Dc's album "Fly On The Wall" - Viv

June 27
Beer Wench asks:
Viv, I bartend and I get so pissed of with creepy guys who try to hit on me instead of ordering drinks, when they can see that the bar is insanely busy and I am swamped with Actual Money Spending Customers, that when they finally get around to ordering stuff i always shortchange them. Fuck ´em. Don´t waste my fucking time at work you shitheads.   Thanks Viv.  Just had to rant.

I feel exactly the same way when some guy in the crowd yells "SKYNARD!" when he knows what kind of band we are. Thanks for the rant, I needed that. Better than sex. - Viv

June 27
Fat Bastard asks:
I'm such a greedy fat bastard, it was the day before my brother's wedding and I was looking after the wedding cake. It was half one in the morning and I was so hungry, I phoned all the pizza delivery places but they were all closed. I only edible thing I had was a can of out of date condensed milk but it wasn't enough to satisfy my desire. In the end I ate the entire wedding cake including the little figurines on the top, (they were made out of icing before you ask - not plastic). There was no way I could confess to this so I said that the cake had been stolen, I even smashed a window and left dirty footprints through the house in order to verify my claim. Luckily my brother phoned the cake people and they sympathised with us completely and provided us with a replacement cake free of charge. I'm a bad human being. I hate myself.  Should I tell thim about it or keep it to myself?

You horrible, greedy, fat fu*@&!!!! Actually, don't tell him because you have demonstrated sneakiness and deception worthy of Nixon. Better to hang on to the guilt and let it build up in you until you crack. That must have been one tasty cake. - Viv

June 27
Pat asks:
I masturbate in the library of my college fantasizing about all the big booty girls that I just saw... and I'm a female.  Does that make me a lesbian?

No, it doesn't make you a lesbian. It makes you every guys fantasy. Which library? - Viv

June 27
John V asks:
A friend of mine sent me a story they wrote, and I'm suposed to read it and we're going to talk about it. But it's 300 pages long and the riting is mediocore and I dont want to. But I figured out a way to get it done: as I read it, I correct their grammer and fix the story around so I like it more better. I think I won't tell them I did it or anything unless they ask, but it makes me feel better knowing that my grammer and writing are so much better than there's.  Should I show the all the corrections that I fixed.  Maybe it will make them write better to.

Just get the cliff notes, bro. - Viv

June 27
D asks:
Yo Vivian
At a recent baseball game, I made my boss think that it's trendy to eat shell-on unsalted peanuts simply because I was too wasted, hungry and lazy to shell them. Do you think the extra fiber will help my poop float?  D

Wait... they have food at sporting events now? I wouldn't know... I never make it out of the truck during the beer drinking and clown toss. - Viv

June 27
Bob asks:
Dear Viv
I rarely wear a condom. I don't have any diseases yet - thank god - but what if I have kids I don't know about? That's frightening.

Yeah, I used to think condoms were a pain in the ass, but I still wear one. To all my male readers.....WRAP IT UP!!!!!!! The world has enough mindless idiots running around. - Viv

June 24

I want to thank everybody who came to support us at Cheers. We had an awesome time, and all of our practice has paid off. I am proud to be in a band with such talented and dedicated musicians. There may be people out there who want to badmouth us, or write on Jaxbands.com that say we suck, or our sound sucks, or our song selection sucks, whatever. Well, Rockstar respects all of our fellow WORKING musicians, whatever band they are in and we would never badmouth any band publicly. That is just common respect and courtesy. We keep our opinions to ourselves, unlike some people. To whomever has a problem with Rockstar, why don't you put that negative energy in to something usefull instead of slamming us in public, ASS  CLOWN! Thanks again to the people who support us and the local scene. We love ya.    Luv, Viv

June 24
thoughtmanifest asks:
What is in your CD player right now?
What is under your bed?
Who or what inspires you?
Best advice you ever got?
What's your favourite season?
What's your favourite day of the week?
If you could have lunch with anyone living who would it be?
If you could have lunch with anyone dead who would it be?
Do you listen or do you wait to talk?
Do you hold grudges?
What's your ultimate goal?
Where's that confounded bridge?

Okay, lots of questions, here's the answer to all of them, in order...
Under my bed...My condoms
Music inspires me
Best advice I ever got... keep playing
Fave season....fall
Fave day of week...friday
Lunch with living... Zakk Wylde
Lunch with dead... Jimi Hendrix
I listen.
I only hold grudges against those who've got it coming to them.
Ultimate goal... live a long and interesting life
That confounded bridge is at the end of "The Crunge" by Led Zeppelin. - Viv

June 24
Mountain Girl asks:
I am a "Professional Organizer."  I am hired by home-owners to go in and organize them...from closets to home offices...and everything in between. I pride myself on my organizational skills. But...something recent happened in my life...that is so funny...I had to share it all with you! (Lucky YOU)
I just took my Christmas Tree down yesterday!!! Ha!Ha!Ha!
I guess this is one of those things like "A plumber's wife has leaky faucets..."...."A mechanic's wife has a broken car"...etc...
Are you like that, Viv?  Are you?

My christmas tree is still up. - Viv

June 24
wildstang asks:
Viv, if you could have sex with a cartoon/comic charactor who would you choose?

If it had to be a cartoon character, it would be Jessica Rabbit or Betty Boop. If it had to be a comic book character, it would be Wonder Woman. No, that's too easy. I would say Elektra... if she's not available, Smurfette. - Viv

June 24
maccrae asks:
So, im new to this whole thing.... but Viv, I sought you out because I need advice or more so understanding/opinions. I have been strugling with the issue of judgements being placed on superficial ideas... i.e. apperence, class etc. So somthing had happend with my roomate that sent me into an internal debate. All of the sudden, a guy walks up to my porch and asks for a lighter, some how we stumble upon the idea of religion, and he goes, thats why im here.... i came here because of you, because of somthing that drew me down this street.... he then preceded to tell me about a dream that i used to have when i was little, sure enough i did... i told him i felt like i was in a book that had changed my perspective on things, he knew what it was.... we got into a discussion of daoisim, black and white, he is understanding, and i lack it... he is negative and i am positive, black and white.. me being white, the masculine half for mylack of understanding, we guessed numbers at the same time.... me 7, he 4 which equals 11 the binary code that cancels eachother out.. i sound full of shit, but this is the kind of stuff i believed in a long time ago, and lost it when i moved back to the US.... he affected me... my mom said hes probably crazy, but that there is such a thin line between insanity and brillance that its ok to take to heart what he said. So, what do i do now..... Im unsure as to wether or not this was just another person that affected me because I am open to that type of stuff or wether it was real, was i supossed to meet him, from the time i started talking to him to the time he left i was on a high.. and today I feel drained like my spirit absorbed all that it could last night.. no im not crazy, just open hearted... advice, questions, comments !!! tell me what you think, but respond with an open heart.

Wellll...... I always answer the door for Jehova's Witnesses wearing my "Satan Rules" t- shirt with a pentagram on it, holding a burning black candle while chanting ancient Babalonian and Sumerian incantations. If someone wants to preach at me, they need to either take a number or shed some light on the text. If you want to meet this person again, then go for it he seems safe. Although, he doesn't sound like it to me. - Viv

June 24
Woody asks:
Dear Viv,  I have some woodpeckers that are making a mess of the side of my house. What can be done to get rid of them or to discourage them from doing this damage? Also, why are they doing this in the first place?

They are doing this because that's what woodpeckers do! It's business as usual in the woods, you know. Thank goodness it wasn't MY pecker making holes in the side of your house. Remember when the military had Manuel Noriega cornered in his mansion? They surronded him with their tanks and their loudspeakers and CRANKED Slayer and Metallica until he crumbled. Do the same to your new woodpecker friends. I suggest CRANKING Voivod, Celtic Frost, Venom, or Mayhem, and then, poof! no more holes. - Viv

June 23
Tony S. asks:
Hi Viv.  I'm fifteen years old and a few months ago I took up guitar, as well as two other instruments, I love music and everything about music, and I've decided to become a musician for life, but I feel that I am too late because there are some people my age who have already mastered these and other instruments, people who started playing since they were five. Has there ever been a musical genious who began to play music in their mid-teen, or am I really too late?

It doesn't matter how young or old you are... start playing! I didn't start until fifteen. I have practiced and jammed with MANY people since then, that is really how you will pick up your guitar street smarts. Yes, starting younger has it's benefits, but you are NEVER too late. See you at jam night on Tuesdays! (read the tour dates...)   -Viv

June 23
Betty Jo asks:
Dear Viv, 
My husband wants me to go on Lex and Terry Drunk Bitch Friday.  I'm not sure if I should.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a good ol' southern gal and let me tell you honey, this dog can hunt.  The problem is, and I'll be honest, I can get a little too hospitable when I'm drinking.  I'll probably be flashing my big ol boobies all morning long.  But since I teach at a Christian preschool it might not be such a good idea. 
What do you think I should do?

I say, go for it. Just don't mention to the wrong people that you're doing DBF on Lex & Terry. You say that you get too hospitable and flash your boobs when you drink? You should SERIOUSLY come to our shows this weekend at Cheers... we all need a little bit of that in our crowd... see you there!  Check out "Hot For teacher" by Van Halen. - Viv

June 21
Will asks:
So... can ya gargle peanut butter?

The only thing I gargle is mouthwash, you weirdo. As far as peanut butter, all is do with that is smear it on my naked body during full moons in the swamp while cranking Weird Al Yankovic. - Viv

June 21
Hot hot , dontcha stop asks:
Okay Viv, fill me in here..im a redhead..and alot of times wen i go out and meet guys n stuff they're interested in me..but they're more interested in the blondes or brunettes. Im not your usual redhead..i have tan skin and my hair isnt as frizzy and i dont have that many freckles. Do guys not like redheads?   Do YOU like redheads?

The reason I love redheads is because they're feisty...even more than your average woman. I also have alot of Irish in me so naturally I am drawn to Celtic looking women. Your average guy at any bar looking to hook up wants to have whatever is on the cover of Maxim or FHM or whatever. Been there, done it, boring. Redheads add a mystery to everything. Red rules. Oh, yeah. Come to Cheers this weekend and we'll see....    Luv, Viv

June 21
Smegma? asks:
So, what's on your mind?: Hi, this is, um, well, here it goes.  I have white filmy stuff that collect in my vulva. I don't know what it is. Could it be the toilet paper? I have very good hygiene but even after 24 hours from my last shower there's white stuff. WHAT IS IT? HOW DO I PREVENT IT? HELP!!!!

Keep it clean! It just sounds like normal buildup to me, probably from getting it too much or not enough. Don't worry. Check out "Same Ol' Situation" By Motley Crue. - Viv

June 21
Hi Viv.  Okay, this is kind of a weird question, but I've been having issues with my jaw...When I give my guy oral, I often have to stop because my jaw hurts.
What confuses me is that I sing, so my mouth often opens quite a bit, and my jaw doesn't hurt and crack after I sing. But when I go down on him, my jaw hurts so much after awhile I have to stop.
Are there tricks I could use that don't involve me keeping my jaw open for minutes at a time?
Also, tips for getting teeth out of the way...they aren't a major problem, just a minor worry of mine. I'm a tad inexperienced, as you can probably tell...
I don't wanna strain my jaw 'cause I need it to sing, and it's incredibly awkward if I'm going for a high C and instead of hearing the note first, I hear >CRACK<.
Help me out?
Thanks in advance!

Wow, I got excited reading this. First tip... more tounge. Your jaw hurts because you're focusing too hard on one thing. Mix it up. Teeth are never really a problem unless you have braces. No biting, though! Listen to Kiss's "Lick It Up"    Love, Viv

June 21
Dear Viv
I really like this boy and he loves cars...can you name me some cars that are popular so i can impress him?  What cars do you like?
Thanks

ANY muscle car from the 70s works on guys AND chicks.... I love Mach Mustangs, Shelby Cobras, Barracudas, Dodge ramchargers, Corvette stingrays, you name it. These types of rides are cool, tough and thoroughly American to the bone, baby. If I had the choice of ANY car on the planet, it would be the Munsters dragula or Mel Gibsons car from The Road Warrior. - Viv

June 21
My Bar, Man asks:
I want to open my own bar ( you know, be the owner of it ) well I dont really know how to, do I have to go to college? About how much will it cost, how do I even start doing it? How do I order the drinks and that, where would I get it from? How would paying my bills work? You know stuff like that, how buisness run and how to start them stuff like that. 
I figure a famous rockstar like Viv Vivian might even want to finance this adventure.
Any advice would be great!

All I can tell ya is to take some business classes in restaurant/tavern management etc. The rock n roll business, unfortunately, has no schools and you learn our type of thing with many years of experience. If you open a place, make sure you have bands play and we'll gladly rock you. - Viv

June 20
J.D. asks:
Dear Viv,  I love your site.  I hope you guys come to Paris, Texas sometime soon.  Here's my question.
I am in love with two people, I think. They are both very smart, funny, wonderful people. One is my highschool sweetheart, one is a guy I met in college. I have been seeing both of them, simultaneously, for about a year now. Does that make me a horrible person? I feel kind of bad about this and should probably choose one of them- I have a lot of history with my highschool boyfriend, obviously, but the college guy buys me flowers and indulges all my kinks. Which should I go for? Of course, I am still young and cute and carefree, and they live 500 miles apart, so I could conceivably keep seeing both of them. What do you think?

If you see two different people 500 miles apart at the same time, then you must have time to kill. Cut down the mileage on your car and date whichever one makes you hotter. I would love to tour Texas again, I was born in Ft. Worth. Best BBQ in Texas is at Billy Bobs. - Viv

June 20
Dead asks:
Dear Viv
My Parents are gonna kill me.  I see you offer stain removal advice so I hope you can help.  How do I get chuncks of black eyeliner out my BRAND NEW beige carpet? It's like smeared in my carpet... in 3 spots, and I've already made it worse! help

How does one get black eyeliner on a carpet? Was she worth it? I won't ask. (But, I just did) Eyeliner is tricky. Rearrange the furniture for starters. Or, cover it up with something more shocking... - Viv

June 19
Spooked asks:
I met this girl on the Internet I am afraid she won't like me when we meet. I have seen pics of her but because I don't have a scanner she hasn't seen any of me. I think she is quite beautiful and I am sure most people would agree. I am not an attractive guy and the only people who think I am are my family members so I tend not to believe them. I am 18 and have had only two girlfriends both of which were only with me because of other circumstances and not because I was good looking.
I know you might think I just solved my own problem but those two times where different. Trust me, I could stand to loose a few pounds, I am as pale a piece of paper, I don't have many good features, plus I am inexperienced. We have talked a lot on an instant messenger and she seems to like me and we flirt a little but that is over the computer. I really want her to like me. Its not that I think she is an unkind person and only cares abou looks, but I think looks are a factor in any relationship. We seem compatible on many levels except for that one. I would appreciate any advice.
Sincerely,
'Spooked'

First, be careful when "flirting" on the internet. I don't have to tell you or any of my loyal readers out there that people are weird. Second, it sounds like you need some more self confidence. You don't need anyone to give that to you. You find that in yourself. Third, looks inevitably do matter somewhat in these matters, but don't ever think that is the only thing. You need to love the inside before you love the outside. If you guys seem compatable on many levels, then go for it. - Viv

June 19
Game Boy asks:
Dear Viv
Every time I hear Jewel's song, "Foolish Games" I begin to think about my relationships with women.
I know that I play games but I'm scared that if I stop playing, I'll be out of the running.
I love the beginnings of relationships. I allow myself to get really close really fast but then it's like something inside of me snaps. I start to pull away, almost withdraw completely, and then, just as the woman involved has almost given up, I snap back like a human rubber band. This may happen a couple of times over the course of a year, and finally the woman gives up on me completely and I wind up alone. And miserable.
Then I start the cycle all over again with somebody else. I've been doing this for a while now. I'm 35 years old and feel I'm ready to settle down but I can't break the cycle.
I don't want to end up alone, but, at this rate, it looks like that's what might happen.

Your entire email sounds like some weird sexual metaphor. My advice to you is, stop playing games! Leave the relationship game B.S. to the women. Men aren't supposed to play head games unless it involves revenge. - Viv

June 19
Drooler? asks:
Dear Viv Vivian
I'm a 16 yr old boy and there's been rumors going round that I'm a bad kisser. I now have a girlfriend and I dont know if I still am. I do know however after each French kiss we make she wipes her mouth. Is there a way of controlling the saliva flow? Or any other tips on moving your tongue around?

Practice makes perfect. Try kissing melons...but not on a canteloupe. Honey dew is the money melon. - Viv

June 19
Colleen asks:
Dear Viv
I am 21 years old and have been with my boyfriend for almost 8 months. This is my first relationship and I am truly in love with him.
I went on a trip to California with two of my guy friends from home. One of the guys had a crush on me and I used to have a huge crush on the other one. I have been friends with both of them for years so has my boyfriend so there was nothing for him to worry about.
The only problem was when I was drunk I hooked up with the kid I used to have a crush on. I told him I would never tell my boyfriend because we were just having fun but he suspected something.
I told my boyfriend the truth which really hurt him but he says he wants to work it out because he loves me and does not want to lose me. I felt so guilty before he knew and know I feel so guilty afterwards but I really do love him and want to be with him.
I think I was just scared that he was going to be the last person I am ever going to b with.
I just need some advice how to get over what I did. Also, do you think we can work things out knowing that I deceived my "true love."
Please help...

If you are truly in love with your boyfriend, you shouldn't have cheated. If he still wants to work it out with you after what you did, he is a sucker. You getting over what you did to him will probably be easy. Him getting over it, that's a whole diferent can of beans. If you guys can work it out, good for you. But beware... once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. Good luck.     -Viv

June 19
Sue asks:
Dear Viv,
I have been going to my female doctor for appointments every three months for the past four years. From the very first time I met her, I've had extremely strong feelings of attraction for her, which she is aware of. Though she told me that it does not bother her that I'm attracted to her and she turned me down when I asked her out, I still suspect she has deeper feelings for me that she's hiding. She always stares into my eyes until I have to look away. She calls me honey, sits next to me on the exam table, and other things. Why does she continue doing this knowing that I have feelings for her? I can't figure her out. -- Sue

Sue,
First of all, she is doctor, and a professional, and flirtation in a business setting, office, whatever, is a touchy thing. Try meeting up with her outside of the office for starters, because I guarantee you she will not be a flirt in her place of business. At your next appointment, be cool and feel out the situatiuon. If nothing pans out, try flirting with musicians... even though we're professionals, we don't have offices. Listen to "Rock And Roll Doctor" by Black Sabbath. Love, Viv

June 19
Chicken asks:
I've been going out with a guy for almost a year. But the problem is that I don't really talk about anything.
He's always telling me to talk about something, but I never have anything to talk about.
I don't know what it is, but I'm afraid that he will leave me.
Chicken

Dear Chicken
What do you mean, you never have anything to talk about? If you never instigate conversation, and he's always asking you to talk about anything, and you come up empty, that sucks. It sounds like this is a one sided deal you have. All I can tell is to start freakin' talking! Make more of effort... if you don't, you both will go nuts!  Listen to Kiss and their song "Talk To Me"   Love, Viv 

June 17
A Hitchhiker asks:
Dear Viv,
Who would win in a fight, a polar bear or a walrus?
Spiderman or Aquaman?
A whale or a potted petunia?

It matters not, I'd kick all their asses. - Viv

June 17
J.B. asks:
So, what's on your mind?: I'm having lady trouble. I fear that I am now in the deadly "friend" category with this foxy girl I know, when for the last week or so I thought I had been getting signals.  She's even bringing me a home-cooked meal at work! I fear, however, that I have just been relegated to "friend" because her ex-boyfriend is putting the moves on her, and she's been talking more and more about him lately.  That said, what's a guy to do? At the very least, how does one extricate himself from the "friend" list?
Thanks much, J. B.

Just be straight with her and tell her what your intentions are... but be a gentleman about it. Her ex should remain her ex because stuff like that can get messy. If that doesn't work, give her my number. Check  out "What's On Your Mind" by Ace Frehley. - Viv

June 16
Oprah J. Frankenstein asks:
What is the best cleaning agent for my glass Gene Simmons water bong? My mom says vinager...I told her to quit being so damn racist. I think that a combination of crushed ice and salt is best for this type of cleaning due to its mild abrasive qualities.

June 16
angiemax asks:
Tell me, what naughty things must a girl do in order to aquire a Viv original to imortalize your 80's hair band fetish in a way that only you would appriciate as much as I would? You do look hot in the wig Babe!

Be as naughty as you want... but Viv is not for sale. You can only rent me cheap. - Viv

June 15
Harriet asks:
Dear Viv-
I am not an old women though I am not exactly young, I have been cheated on and been the one doing the cheating.  My question is this; how do you know when you have found the right guy and put all the trust and love into him?
Yours,
Looking for Ozzy

Hey, I think I know you... didn't I wake up in your bed yesterday? - Viv

June 15
An Intruder asks:
Dear Viv -
Who would win in a one-on-one combat between Optimus Prime and the Predator? Justify your response in 50 words or less, using the word 'abnegate' at least once.

Being as Optimus Prime is a cartoon and Predator is a movie, Predator would abnegate Optimus Prime's right to victory. I think we both watch too much tv. Abnegate that! - Viv

June 15
Mama Lyxx asks:
So, what's on your mind?: I listened to your "sample songs" and the band sounds great. While listening I was hoping for a visual. It would be really nice to see you guys in action. So, can you make a video to go along with at least one song, this way I, and everyone else, can see you guys in action?  Is it doable?

I beleive we plan on getting our first show on digital video, and if we do we will put it on the site. In the meantime listen to Quiet Riot's "Mama We're All Crazy Now." - Viv

June 15
Sir Salad asks:
Dear Viv,
I happen to work as a janitor in a mental hospital, and there is many a stain that penetrates my jumper suit and stains my clothes. I know how to deal with the usual: urine, feces, vomit, but I want to know how to clean out those unidentified disgusting stains, or U.D.S's. I need to know how to clean off blood most importantly.
regards,
Sir Salad

Just like I told the evil clown guy about blood stains, gravy works best. Or, buy a Rockstar tracksuit and be the envy of every loony in the bin! - Viv

June 15
Anonynous asks:
Lying on the floor of my bedroom is a bottle of Jim Beam my cousin gave me for my 21st. I'm not a drinker of wide experience but it turns out I hate bourbon. I'm now 22 and short on funds for what I DO like (scotch, guinness.) So how do I get this damned bourbon down me as pleasantly as possible?

Okay, I can relate, I'm a bourban fan, but I prefer tequila. After the first two or three shots of whatever you drink, the taste goes away and it's more agreeable with your taste buds. Just don't drink and drive. If you're going to drink, I'll drive you home. - Viv

June 15
Belly Ringer asks:
i recently got my belly button peirced 3 weeks ago, its healed really nicely. my boyfriend gave me a really pretty ring for it for my birthday and i can't wait to change it. Is it too early to change it, because it says wait 8 weeks, but its healed and i know a otn of people who have changed it earlier, thanks!

Belly pierces take the longest to heal of any piercings. Wait even longer till after it heals to make sure. Infections are no fun. Check out the song "Tattooed Dancer" by Ozzy. - Viv

June 15
Anonymous asks:
i was practicing with using tampons. ive never had my period before. i just wanted to know how to use them before my time comes. after i had used a few, i finally got the hang of it and completey inserted one. i pulled it out and it had blood only on the tip. what is this? please help.

Whatever you do, don't freak out...Womanly advice would help better than mine in these situations. Ask one of our groupies. In the meantime, listen to Alice Cooper's "Only Women Bleed" - Viv

June 15
Eddie Van Halen (yeah, right) asks:
Why is Curt so good looking?  Do any of the other babes pay attention to anyone else in the band when he shows up?

Yes, Izzy (Curt) is dead sexy. I hope the babes start paying attention to the rest of us, we'll see. - Viv

June 15
Les Izzmor asks:
Dear Viv, I've noticed your bass player looks a lot like Bootsy Bonaduce from The Boogie Freaks.

Our bass player killed Bootsy Bonaduce and cloned the corpse. So, yes , the similarities are rather creepy. - Viv

June 15
anyann asks:
Dear Viv,
Ok, I have these two friends that are girls, just call them a and b. well, a started going out with this guy, and through her i became friends with the guy, and we were always talking on aim and stuff. but then they broke up, and he started going out with my other friend, b, and now we're closer, and he's like my best guy friend. but now i think i like him as more than a friend, but i know he's rly happy with my best friend, b. but then another guy we'll call him c, well c started hitting on me and a rly likes him but he is best frends with b who is dating the first guy i liked.  sometimes we all go get stoned by the tressel and forget who likes who and stuff and I ended up kissing with a AND b.  did i say i was a girl?  well i am so it was strange but like not in a cool way.  well my dad found a joint in my book bag and i got in trouble but it sucks becuz it belongs to this other guy i'll call d, who hates c and wants to beat him up cus he likes a.  wat can i do?

A plus B plus C plus a joint sounds like fun to me... come to the show and we'll talk about adding "V" to the formula. - Viv

June 15
Dear Viv - I live in a dorm and I am very happy with the way I have it set up. But, I'll be living at home this summer. I would like to fix up my room. I have a pretty good idea of how everything will end up, save for one thing.
Petunia is my beloved, albeit large stereo. The speakers about three feet tall and eight inches wide. The main section, which has two casette players, a clock radio, a record player, and a shelf for LPs, is about four feet tall and a foot and a half wide. It is ugly wood paneling. My room is a light peach color and most of the wood in my room is a dark, reddish oak but Petunia is a light yellowy brown, almost mustard colored, with black "grain". Horrible late 70's fake wood. If it wasn't for the record player, Petunia would still be in a yard sale, so I can't just get rid of it. It's also very fragile. What can I do to beautify Petunia? Something inexpensive and preferably impermament in case I need to remove th treatment when I finally get my own apartment (in three years probably). Keep in mind that I can put anything on top of the speakers but not the record player.

Get a new stereo or cover up the wood with Rockstar stickers so you can properly rock. You should be worried about the way it sounds, not the way it looks. - Viv

June 15
DriverGrrrll asks:
Well, I got my permit. yay lol. My friend needs the manual to study for hers so where can I find a printable version of the manual? We live in Georgia.
Also, is it bad if I can't remember things like "what do you do if your breaks fail" or how far you can stop from fire hydrants, railroads, and stuff like that?

All you need to remember is the directions to our shows. - Viv

June 15
Cute Buddhist asks:
Dear Viv,
Okay, so i'm redoing my room and i've been SEARCHING EVERYWHERE for Ballet Buddha. It's this LOVELY little naked buddha wearing lace up ballet shoes, who's just to die for, all made out of jade... even his little... well you know... ehemm peeny weeny.. and by weeny i mean teeny eeny WEENY. anyways it's just make my bedroom a palace if i could find one, anyone know where to find that exact item?
thanks a ton
good karma to you and the world

When all this terrorist B.S. dies down, I suggest going to China. I woke up there once.... seemed nice. - Viv

Wonderous asks:
Is that loser Rowka still in your band?

Loser? LOSER? The guy can play circles around anybody in this town. If he wanted to leave, we wouldn't LET him! - Viv

June 14, 2005
Bill asks:
When playing the cover tune Stealin, by Uriah Heep on bass, should one play the fills as on the CD or should one make the song "his" so to say.

When I learn a song, i learn the bass, guitar or whatever note for note and then my own blend of special sauce to make it my own while holding the oricnal groove down. Uriah Heep rules. - Viv

June 14, 2005
Wacko Jacko asks:
Dear Viv, Now that I have been aquitted, how do I get back to the old stud who could stop the heart of any teenage boy? I mean I can still go oversees and pay for sex with teenage boys, but how do I get an American Teen to believ that I am totally capable of a meaningfull relationship, after all I have been through?
Signed
You Know Who

Hey king of pop, the only reason "Beat It" was a hit is because Eddie Van Halen played guitar solo!! As far as what you've been through, I care not. Guilty, guilty, guilty. - Viv

June 14, 2005
Bill Z. Bubb asks:
Dear Viv, Why does it burn when I urinate?

Because you didn't wear a raincoat, you ignorami! - Viv

June 14, 2005
Dear Viv, My girlfriend was just eaten by something with tentacles and fangs and stuff that lives in my closet. Should I call the police, fire department etc or just head on down to the singles bar?

Tenatcles AND fangs? And, it ate your girlfriend. This creature sounds like some of my ex-girlfriends. If you want to meet hot chicks, come see us play. Hot women are naturally drawn to 80s hair metal. - Viv

June 14, 2005
T.B. asks:
Sometimes writing a song can be troubling and difficult to start. Sitting in front of all the drum machines and 'puters and robots get me down when I really want to say something personal and write a song that tugs on the heartstrings of the music listening public. But with all the cybernetic implants and firewire cables it takes for me to make music, it seems that i should "Man-Up" and learn how to play the guitar. Any words of wisdom?

Yes, words of wisdom... write what you feel, no matter if it comes out as reggae, death metal, country, whatever. I learned guitar by ear and I have perfect pitch. The only way I accomplished this is by practicing ALL the time. At first, it will be tedious, even painfull. But you will get better! Just don't get TOO good, I have enough competition. - Viv

June 14, 2005
Sarah asks:
Dear Viv,
I was reading a book about dolphins, and there was a chapter on dolphins that seem to seek out the company of humans, like 'Opo' in New Zealand or the Monkey Mia dolphins in Australia. And there was a description of a bottlenose dolphin off the coast of England who likes to swim and play with people, and get this, he quite often sticks his penis out and tries to get it between their legs.
In your opinion, is it bestiality if the animal started it? And should we maybe stop swimming with dolphins if we are giving them the wrong impression? I don't want to lead anyone on.
Sarah

I say we get rid of the dolphins before they try to take over the planet. One way would be to eat more tunafish. They say it's the "brain" food, probably because of all the dolphin in it. And you know how smart they are! - Viv

June 14, 2005
Ginger asks:
Hi Viv, you're sooooo cute! Alrighty, I'm a 17 year old girl, and there's this guy (I know, I know, it's the most asked question ever) and he's AMAZING at guitar! Generally I don't pay much attention to him. He's fairly good-looking and all, but nothing special. However, the second he picks up his guitar I turn into a simpering pile of gelatinous goo and the only phrase I'm capable of is "Let me bear your children..." The thing about this is I only seem attracted to him when he's playing or immediately after. So the question is do I like him, or his guitar? And what should I do about it?

Well Ginger, I'm mighty flattered. Okay, you like him, not his guitar...the guitar, especially the Les paul, is a talisman of strength, power and Valalla decadence. Once one plays and gets good at the guitar they are an object of lust. (Why do you think I play one?) Hopefully this guy is as exciting without a guitar as he is with one. Ever heard "Seventeen" by Winger?

June 14, 2005
Haico asks:
Dear Viv,
have a few questions for you.

Thanks in advance,
Haico - The Netherlands

The Young Ones was an awesome show! My fave line is Vivian, eat the tele!" The shirts will eventually come in black. Also, be on the lookout for the Rockstar action figures. Mine has the kung fu grip. - Viv

June 13, 2005
Some Guy asks:
Dear Viv,
I would like to try swinging but I dont know how to introduce it to my wife. Do you think that if I were to blindfold her and start having sex with her and then let another man or woman start in would be a good way of doing it? When i think of another guy or woman having sex with her, thats when I really get turned on.

Bro, you've got issues. Don't introduce swinging to her at all without talking about it with each other first. Doesn't sound to me like she'll be in to it, but you never know. Good luck! For a better answer, listen to the Van Halen song "Sinners Swing". - Viv

June 13, 2005
Confused Virgin asks:
I'm 22 years old and I've never had sex, never kissed a guy and, hell, never even held hands with a guy. I have lots of male friends, but they just regard me as 'one of the boys'. I've never really had a problem with that before - in fact, I've used my position to match make several of my female friends - but I am now beginning to worry if I will ever have a relationship. My two best male friends have explained that I am just not the kind of girl most guys go for; I'm a bit of a smart alec, I am extremely plain and overwight and I have a passion for martial arts films. Guys like feminine girls, but I don't want to like skirts and crying at romance films.
My real problem, however, is not the lack of compansionship (as I've got plenty of friends), but the increasing rumours about me being a lesbian. Some of my best mates, male and female, are getting suspicious, and I do not know what to do about it. I have considered cacking on to one of the more available guys but even assuming I could gain the confidence to do that I'm not sure I really want to.
I am actually beginning to wonder if, where there's smoke, there may also be fire. Could it be that I have never fallen in love because I really am, unconsciously, a lesbian? The more I think about it, the more I worry. I do seem to think more about the female television and movie stars I like than the male ones.
Then there is the final problem of my virginity. I have a reasonably high libido, in that I get horny a lot, but I've never considered having sex as I've found a hand works fine, but a friend recently told me that the older you are, the more your first time hurts. Is that true?

First, you do not need anyone else to give you confidence with anything. You are still young and you have all the time in the world to figure it out. I wish I could find a chick who digs kung fu! - Viv

June 13, 2005
missy2009332 asks:
Viv, My husband likes to wear my underwear, and he likes to play with himself alot sexually, can you tell me if this is normal. Sometimes it turns me off.

In this day and age, nothing is normal OR weird and nothing is taboo anymore. Whatever floats his boat! Try stealing all of his "guy" undies and when he can't find any of his you will find out one way or another which he prefers. Also, don't let it turn you off... get more adventurous. - Viv

June 13, 2005
Mina asks:
Hi Viv, I'm a 41 yr old married female and I masturbate often. My question is this, lately I've been using a vibrator to masturbate with and find it extremely enjoyable. I've heard that using a vibrator can be habit forming and could take away from the pleasure I get from my husband. Is this true? As you can understand, I can't ask anyone else about this.

Yes, using a vibrator may be habit forming. Being as I'm a guy, I am not speaking from experience. Don't let it get in the way of your sex life with your husband. Also, let him use it on you, if you dare... we guys find that battery operated "toys" can sometimes be a threat and that our ladies will eventually prefer that to us. I say, include him in on the action. It takes two to tango. - Viv

June 13, 2005
JohnDoe asks:
Dear Viv,
I never thought I'd be writing to an advice column, but I don't know what to do.  My girlfriend was playing with my bowling ball last night and got her right big toe stuck in the thumb hole. She had stockings on and I was teasing her about it wouldn't fit in the hole. Well, she pushed it in as hard as she could trying to prove me wrong. With the stocking on and forcing, it went all the way in the hole. When she tried to take it off it was stuck. I was laughing at first and thought it was funny watching her trying to get it off. When I tried to help her, I couldn't get it off. It was swollen and hurting her. We tried all night and today to get it off but it will not come off. I tried to call 911 or take her to the ER for help but she doesn't want anyone to see her like this. She said she'd be too embarrassed. She is a very pretty woman and vain.
Now its been stuck for over 20 hours and she blames me cause I was easing her. I didn't stick her toe in the ball, I was just teasing her when she tried it but she is still mad at me.  She is in bed right now asleep.  Her toe is swollen bad and it hurts to touch the ball and try to take it off. I have tried everything I can think of to get it off but it won't come off. Please do you have any ideas how to get it?  Plus she is mad at me. THis is somehow my fault.  Please help.

KY jelly, my man. KY jelly. Or any other "stimulating" lubricant. If it doesn't come off, put another bowling ball on her other foot so she'll look normal. If nothing works, in the immortal words of Van Halen, "Somebody get me a doctor!" - Viv

June 10, 2005
Mrs.Tone asks:
What should I get my daughter for her birthday? She'll be 2 years old.

Dear Mrs. Tone,
I always recommend a musical instrument for a birthday present. Being as she will be two, I suggest a drum set!
Another good choice would be a Toddler Rockstar T-shirt

Only $12.99

-Viv

June 10, 2005
Coke Fiend asks:
What would you use to get blood stains off a clown suit?

Dear Coke Fiend,
I would try putting gravy stains on the clown suit to cover up the blood... or, buy a new suit. The world needs more clowns, as long as you're not an evil one.  -Viv

June 10, 2005
Monica Lewinsky asks:
How DO you get "those" stains out of clothing?  I will need to know for my next employment opportunity.

Dear Monica,
Well, "those" stains are sacred and unremovable. Tell Bill to improve his aim.   -Viv

June 10, 2005
Kev E. Metal asks:
My question isn't about love, stains, or pests. I guess you could call it a cultural question inspired by rock and roll. The other day, I was listening to a song by the mighty Blue Oyster Cult, featuring Izzy A. Foxx's main guitar hero, the incomparable Buck Dharma. This led to my question: When Japanese school children pledge allegiance to their flag, o they say, "One nation, under Godzilla"? I look forward to your answer.
Head-bangingly yours,
Kev

Dear Kev,
I beleive they would say "One nation under godzilla" until we send over King Kong to kick his ass.   -Viv

June 10, 2005
Bryan Voods asks:
Is it better to kill pest outright or just scare the crap out of them?  Because this pest is bugging te crap out of me.

Kill them all, let god sort em out.   -Viv

June 10, 2005
Conrad asks:
What is proper jelqing technique?

What in the bloody hell is jelqing?
*googles jelqing*
Ah, okay. I wouldn't know. I have no need for this. *wink wink* -Viv